WONDERING

It is difficult to understand life sometimes. It is just wierd. You don't get it. What's happening or why the hell is it happening or the way it does. It makes you wonder what exactly you want to do or be. Do you even know yourself or not. Do you even know the people around you or not. It all keeps running in your head and you just can't stop thinking. I don't know if I am even true to myself anymore. I cant get it. Like I don't know what I do or why I do it. I just do it without thinking about the cons. Also its like I feel I don't care about anyone anymore. Which is totally not me I think. But I dont even know who I am exactly. So maybe this is the real me. The selfish one. I used to love to stay around people always. Have a big group of friends, always share stuff and now I just push people away. I don't care  about them or thier feelings anymore. I just push them away. And I don't know why so I dont know how to sort it. I have started feeling more emptier maybe. I fill that by doing stupid things like smoke. But even that doesn't really help. Maybe am not as complicated as I am making it seem by just overthinking. I dont even know why the hell am I talking/writing to myself. Complicating shit just like that. Maybe am just an attention seeker. I dont even know my self. Wtf!

It hurts to know...

It hurts to know that the person who matters the most to you,
You mean nothing to that person.
It hurts to know that the person you thought understands the most to you.
Is horrible at it in your worst times.
It hurts to know when the people you love the most,
Actually just pretend so.
It hurts to know that when you trust a person the most,
That person doesnt trust you as much as you do.
It hurts to know that you ain't really happy inside
When everybody thinks you got a perfect life.
It hurts to hear that "Oh! You got so many people."
When actually numbers don't really matter.
It hurts to know that people think of you so low
Even though they dont know a thing about you
Even thought you don't give a fuck about thier thought
But it still hurts.
It hurts to know that the person you were, the strong one
Is now nowhere to be found inside you.
It hurts to know that you lost a part of yourself.
In whatever the fuck you were doing.
It hurts to know that you got weaker
Day by day
And those rare tears that made you feel strong
Are now just a daily thing that gets you vulnerable.
It hurts to know...